Why do we try to make ourselves believe things that we will never take for Gospel? I have never understood it. Every single time I try to make myself believe something that isn’t true I feel shittier for it. When I tell myself that everything is okay. That I am okay.
Sometimes we are not okay and that is really okay.
I was sitting here watching Orange is the New Black and thinking about way too many things including the homework that is sitting on my chest and causing its premature collapse when I calmly stood up and walked to the bathroom. I stood in the mirror and for the first time I think I watched myself go from completely normal to messed up in the blink of an eye. It’s interesting to note that your tears come from the bottom of your eyes and up then down your cheeks. Neat stuff.
Anyway, I stood there telling myself how stupid I looked. I didn’t want to deal with the things that I don’t talk to people about and I will continue to do so. People think I’m an up-tight, pretentious douchebag.
Fine. I honestly could care less about what just about anybody thinks of me. What tends to bother me is something that I believe about myself that I’d rather not. I don’t have to deal with people every waking minute.
I’m in control of that.
I live in this skin and I have to look in the mirror proverbially and literally every single day of my life and deal with who I am. Some days I like it and some days I don’t. And sometimes I wonder if I can’t be relatable with more people because I’m not real. Every single person who has ever met me does not know who I am because I have not volunteered that parcel of information. I feel like I’m screaming it into their faces sometimes.
Perhaps they don’t want to listen. Who knows?
I can’t stand when people aren’t straight-up with me and yet I have never been straight up with a single person that matters. Not in the way I want to.
Fear. Repercussions. Hate.
I don’t know what’s holding me back. I go to bed most nights with this pit in my stomach. I want to be straight-up. Yet I think my biggest fear about telling the truth is that nobody will take me seriously.
And nothing will be okay.